Freak...Fake...Nothing

Where has my heart gone ?
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to believing in everything
I turn and I can see darkness. I am in a void between the two. Between the darkness and the white of the light. Slowly the white turns red, then also turns to darkness.
I am alone.

I feel panic rising inside me. I am in the darkness all alone. Abandoned. I can't remember who I am supposed to be anymore.
I remember a shadow, of who I once was. I am not that anymore. I am something or someone else.

Out of the darkness comes a blond child. She holds a golden sphere in her arms. Inside the sphere I see all my happy moments, all happiness I have experienced. Slowly the sphere and the child disintegrate into dust, into nothing.

Again, alone. the darkness is like a blanket, but it's not warm and it holds no comfort. from the darkness come the figures.
They are red. They surround me. From every side, they bring pain. Millions of small moments of pain and helplessness all experienced at once. They grow and everything is red. I feel the scream building up inside of me. It's inside of me. Like a wild animal. I release it into my pain.

So much pain. I can't take the pain.
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away
Pain is so much. The pain is what I am. I have let it consume me.
I am back in the void. Cold and dark. Alone. feeling only pain.

I am alone. I made myself alone. I pushed people away. I see their shadows in the back of mind. I see them turning and walking away from me. I feel their disgust, hatred, disapointment, regret and sorrow. It adds to my pain. Makes it greater. They could have saved me. I drove them away. Can't save myself.
I feel the air rush past me. I'm falling now. Falling hard and fast. I wonder when I'll land. I wonder if the pain will get worse.
I feel myself land, on somethig soft. The pain is gone. It's replaced by a voice inside me. The darkness around me is sucked inside me and I no longer feel.
Around me is a place. A sunset sky and a horizon. Slowly the sky is torn and words are carved into it.
Just my mind, not real life. I must be dreaming.Inside me is a feeling of loneliness and helplessness. I cry out for help. I cry out for someone. Anyone. But I am alone
ALONE

Orchidée noire